I Don’t Really Want To Not Live Out Of My Backpack

I stumbled across this picture while looking back at my last nine months.  The caption on Facebook with it was, Tomorrow begins nine months of living out of this backpack! Crazy, exciting, and quite scary.
And now, today, I get on a plane to come back to the States and end these last nine months.

This is the girl who left nine months ago on a nine-month journey across three continents with 23 other people she met only for one week the month before she left.

Honestly, I don't even recognize this girl anymore.

This girl who was afraid to pray out loud.

This girl who grew up taking care of other people but didn't know how to let others take care of her. She didn't even realize how she needed that kind of love.

This girl who walked with the weight of her family on her shoulders her entire life.

This girl who didn't know how to be vulnerable, to let people in on everything in her life-the past, the present, the future, and the good/bad that comes with it.

This girl who was terrified of leaving everything familiar and literally jumping into the unknown.

This girl who didn't know how intimate and loving her Father was, who had never experienced first-hand the power of the Holy Spirit. 

This girl who hadn't yet fallen in love with Jesus.

I am so thankful to my Abba for completely transforming me through my squad, the amazing people I have met all over the world, and mainly through Himself.  I love that He is constantly calling me into the person He created me to be.

I have learned to love to pray out loud and to myself because I've realized there is no right way to pray, there is no pressure, no judgement, it's just you and Jesus in those moments.

I have learned that people, especially my squad, acutally want to take care of me.  They want to love on me and help me and they don't want anything in return.  I have learned I have needed that so much.

I have been freed from the weight of my family because Jesus so kindly kept letting me know they are not mine to carrry and if I just give them up to Him He'll take care of them because He actually wants to.  I just need to get out of the way and let Him move because He is waiting to move.

I have laid myself bare on this trip, something I have never done with anyone before.  These people, they know everything about me-from birth to present to future.  That's a first. I have never let anyone in on my life like I have let them in and they fill me up each time I let them in. They are the first to get past these walls I had had up.  I mostly love how they love Jesus, how they'll do anything He tells them to do without thinking twice, and how they are my best friends. My family. 

Home isn't a reality to me yet.  The place I was terrified to leave is the place I am scared to return to. Comfort, familiarity, the known are enough to send me running back on the plane. But I am trusting in Jesus' timing because it's perfect and I know this is not the last time I travel the world sharing His beautiful love.  So for now I get to do that at home.

I have opened my heart to so many areas I never thought I'd open it to.  It's all Jesus.

There are no words for the power of the Holy Spirt I have experienced myself and have seen others experience.  Our Father is so unbelievably intimate, He just wants to be close to us all the time. He waits to be acknowledged in all things. He waits for us to ask Him to show up.  I can't get over that.

I am in love with Jesus.  I'm free-falling in HIs love.  And I'm only going to fall more in love and it's never going to end.

Even though I wish I could live out of this backpack for forever I have to let go for now because it's turned into my comfort. It's time to shake things up by going back home. A place where I truly need to rely on my Father for strength.

Oh the ways Jesus can change us in just nine months.  

I can't wait to see what the rest of my life looks like.